A Trinket

I wish I had something of yours...

A church bulletin maybe.

A hat left on a chair.

A shirt with your scent.

A something representing all our comings and goings.

A forever reminder of sitting by you...

Never daring to tell you to kiss me.

Just one picture!

I'd pull it out and hold it

Close.

Like I want you to hold me.

I know you won't--

But the energy won't leave.

But look at the camera please.!

I've seen your side profile.

That says "I hate pictures of me!"

No no, don't give me that!

Give me your eyes that let me see

Into your soul.

I'm not allowed here, I know.

You whisper to others around me

When you don't want me to know...

Whatever you said.

I'd keep the picture by my bed and

Kiss that.

No one would know.


I wish I had something of yours.

A list you made.

A keychain dropped in the parking lot.

A jacket forgotten in the sanctuary.

Wow. Would I turn it in so you could

have it back? Probably.

I'm an honest girl.

But I'd rather wear it!

Pretend you're wrapped around me

In a never ending hug

Like I'd wanted all the time.

"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine"

I could write this down...shove it in my pocket...

And pull it out when I think of you.

(I may as well just hold it in my hand).

Trouble is, it's a lie.


That picture of you could go in a locket...

But what if...someone asked to see inside?

Good. Wouldn't need to hide it!


I can do anything...except the one thing I want:

To show my affections for you.

Lord knows it's not easy to cork them so they

Don't overflow...

Or shoot straight up and out!

He values a heart that is broken...contrite.

Perhaps it is achieved when the words I might say

are silenced.

What I had hoped for cannot be;

And so, I wish I had something of yours.

I'd hold it up to my face and imagine you're kissing

Me.

No obsessed fantasy here (Though some may think otherwise).

Just a... trinket, I guess...to lift the disguise...

(If only for a moment).

Let me feel that you are a part of me...see it in my hand.

Sort of like... "Camille":

Armand finds Margurite's glove, dropped on the floor.

He holds it close until he sees her again.

But you would not get yours back...

I'm keeping it my love.

Whatever happens after that, I can remember that I tried.

To walk away. To give you space, while you were in the same

Place I was.

What I wanted cannot be, so, I wish I had something

Of yours.

Ridiculous that I stroke your ego while you do nothing for me.

I know.

But getting angry and telling you where to go just breaks my heart.

That's been done already anyway... what's the point?

I want to hold you close and cannot; so

I wish I had something of yours.


--CES (C)Copyright 2014.

Truth

You told me no.

Remember?

We sat in your car

And I felt like a fool.

I knew...

But that's beside the point.

I hoped anyway...

I went in the house,

And you were gone.

That's the end, right?

But I was wrong.


You were right there every week

Across the table...

Forcing my eyes to look

Elsewhere.

Did you care that I was nuts about you?

I imagined so...That's why you were there;

Right?

No. You had not come for me.

But maybe you would change your mind!!

If this kind of thing is childish, I'm sorry.

I hoped...and kept on and on.

I'd see you across the room, and through

My viens the hope would flow.

How could I possibly know what you thought?

You never said.

Only small talk; the sort of strangers

Being polite.

No desire to court me.

But there you'd be, across the table.

Week after week...like clockwork.

"You're such a jerk!" I would think.

Would I be able to keep this up?


A split personality I became because

I loved and hated

Adored you and looked forward

To my heart skipping a beat

Every week I would see you.

Prayed God would tell you to tell me

"I love you."

Never would it happen, I knew.

But that was beside the point.

I hoped...and kept on and on.

How could I hide this so long?

I would wonder.

What were you even doing here??

You told me no

Remember?


"Would you leave??"

I wanted to scream at times...

"Please just go!!"

What did you mean anyway?

You told me no, remember??

We sat in your car and I felt like a fool!

You would not pay the price for me

And you knew I wanted to see you!

So you used me, which I didn't see then

You were there, across the table week after

week...

Forcing my eyes to look elsewhere.

Did you care that I was nuts about you??

You mattered to me...a great deal.

Did you feel anything for me at all??

I covered what you did like a protective

mommy...hoping her child would improve with time.

How stupid could I be?? Worse...this went on for three

Long years!!

The tears I wasted on you!!

I was a split personality!

You don't tell someone there's no hope and then raise it up,

You fool!

Do all men do this??

You slime! I should call you every name in the book too!!

But I never did because I believed in you.

Call it modesty or virtue? Well now I call it blind.

Years I have spent cutting resentments out like paper dolls

And putting up walls so you would not suffer too.

Now, I've only one more thing to say...

You guess what it is! (Oh here's a hint; it rhymes!)

I'll be nice, and say the first word is "forget."

I think too highly of the woman I am to cuss you out.;

but here's the deal:

That was a rotten thing you did!!

You made me feel like another word I won't use...and

Did not even bat an eye.

Are all guys like this?? I don't know...

But many women say just what I did:

"I thought you were different."

It is now time for me to take the hint!



CES (C) 2014.

Towards You...

Who do I put on pedestals?
Idolize?
Pretend to be protected by?
Which man in my life would win the medal?

Apparently, it's you!
But I had no clue...
Not until an insatiable need to
Go forward, took me back...
back to that kid I was when
All was right with the world...

When I saw you, there were sparks
That first night
Of course! I saw your eyes a piercing
blue from across the room
But then, you quickly turned me off
Did you know that?
We talked, and I was unenthused

But something held on


You were straight as an arrow
I could tell right away
BORRR-ING! I thought
But you were kind to me
That is all I knew...
And it melted my heart
How did I know that started?
I didn't.

Who do I put on pedestals?
Idolize?
Pretend to be protected by?

The Sam Elliot type.

Rugged. Dark. Rough around the edges
Under shadow of his cowboy hat.
Black hair and mustache with distinguishing
Grey Brass belt buckle
Pointed toed boots
Rides Harley's and horses too
Jack Daniels or Bud? Take your pick
Always drives a truck
Pack of Camels in his pocket

Choose "Main Street" by Bob Sieger,
Or "Desperado" by the Eagles
Two songs quite different, but you've got
The mood
Classic rock...and country
Western vests and shirts
Camping gear, fishing gear
A wicked sense of humor and the curse
Words to boot

Okay, I have just described my dad
My hero from back when all was right
with the world

So here you were... the opposite of all that.
Opposites attract, I suppose
Something was stirred inside, but I really didn't know
To speak plainly, you were not my type
But curiously, a certain "hype" (if you will)
began to fluff up
In my mind
It was the kind of talk that shuns the impossible, and
says "This COULD work!"
WHY???

I was turned off by you, I told you...save those blue eyes
that could see right through me without even trying.
How do you do that? You're so gentle, you wouldn't hurt a fly!
BORR-ING!

But something held on...
You were kind to me
That's all I knew
A soft-spoken gentleman I was unaccustomed
To and this substance was foreign
Maybe I knew I wanted more because the "fluff"
Continued in my head
Shunning the impossible and thinking: "This could work!"
Why??

I was turned off by you, I told you!
Besides, why had you taken an interest in me?
I talk too much and can be cynical

Apparently, you had not! (We were just talking).
But the "hype" in my head disagreed.

So later, I learned, you didn't want me!
Why??
How can this be?? I can reject you, but you CAN'T
Reject me!
Besides, you're so gentle you wouldn't hurt a fly!
How could you do that??
Suddenly, the thought that you had turned me off meant nothing!
You were kind to me, that is all I knew, and it melted my heart
Besides, sometimes the heroes we put on pedestals fall off!
I am cynical and I talk too much

Your substance was foreign to me
You melted my heart you were kind
That is all I knew
So what had turned me on to you and
Created such a battle?
My hero was rough around the edges with
hedges of protection around him

His gentleness somewhere...but hidden...
Under the whiskey maybe?
How did I know?
I just felt I could not let you go!
Your disinterest?
A minor detail!
However foolish that makes me...
There ya go!

But what had been the difference??
I got that from somewhere, but why did it matter?
Because I knew not, how to categorize you!!
You could see right through me, and didn't even know it
What do I do with that??
My hero was easy in comparison!

We...had NOTHING in common! My cynicism would
Ruin your quiet strength, I was convinced!!
Besides, you didn't want me, so it had to be that I was lying
to myself
So I put up fences...that got higher & higher
Only to climb over them and find you again
Get around your obstacles and win!
My HERO had taught me that! So there ya go!
But it could never be

Girls marry their dads' right? Scientific fact!
And you are no Sam Elliot in a cowboy hat! So that's the
end! Forget it!
So a need to move forward, took me back...back to that girl I was
When all was right with the world

Throwback Thursdays and Flashback Fridays were part of my distraction
Another picture from another movie...some character, usually the underdog
of little consequence...who just needed a Superman

Superman? The clean cut, "good guy" who was lovable Clark Kent? Did I mention
Piercing blue eyes??
Okay, that's a movie plot, but one day, the answer stared me square in the face:
All my screen shots were there, and I flipped through them in shock!

Every one had your eyes...a piercing blue, your build, your quietness of
strength...the sweetness of your face...it was YOU!
You were staring at me...several times over... and I thought:
"Oh my God!". I've known you all my life!

These were stars from my past, that I idolized
Their substance I could reach for...but not grasp
It was NOT foreign, but mostly inaccessible to me
But it glimmered if daddy gave me hug or was proud of me
I would taste it on my tongue, with my own tears, because daddy would
Slip into his armor again...to be my hero
Maybe he was just as scared

So, here you are: Everything not right for me, and it could
never work
Really??
I've had one thing in mind: to get away from you, though I
don't want to... because I need to do the right thing
Looks like the joke's on me!
I've been moving toward you my whole life!



--CES (C) 2014.

Overcast

Outside my window, the grass harp plays
A grayish green hangs over everything
I've seen this before; it means rain

The "harp" is the rustling wind in the trees.
Capote said that.
Our cat lies curled up
Asleep

And a nap sounds like a plan and a half!
Afternoon is slipping on her evening gown
My pillow holds my head in it's folds
And the grass harp rocks me to sleep
Does it get any better than that?

--CES (C) 2014.