Truth

You told me no.

Remember?

We sat in your car

And I felt like a fool.

I knew...

But that's beside the point.

I hoped anyway...

I went in the house,

And you were gone.

That's the end, right?

But I was wrong.


You were right there every week

Across the table...

Forcing my eyes to look

Elsewhere.

Did you care that I was nuts about you?

I imagined so...That's why you were there;

Right?

No. You had not come for me.

But maybe you would change your mind!!

If this kind of thing is childish, I'm sorry.

I hoped...and kept on and on.

I'd see you across the room, and through

My viens the hope would flow.

How could I possibly know what you thought?

You never said.

Only small talk; the sort of strangers

Being polite.

No desire to court me.

But there you'd be, across the table.

Week after week...like clockwork.

"You're such a jerk!" I would think.

Would I be able to keep this up?


A split personality I became because

I loved and hated

Adored you and looked forward

To my heart skipping a beat

Every week I would see you.

Prayed God would tell you to tell me

"I love you."

Never would it happen, I knew.

But that was beside the point.

I hoped...and kept on and on.

How could I hide this so long?

I would wonder.

What were you even doing here??

You told me no

Remember?


"Would you leave??"

I wanted to scream at times...

"Please just go!!"

What did you mean anyway?

You told me no, remember??

We sat in your car and I felt like a fool!

You would not pay the price for me

And you knew I wanted to see you!

So you used me, which I didn't see then

You were there, across the table week after

week...

Forcing my eyes to look elsewhere.

Did you care that I was nuts about you??

You mattered to me...a great deal.

Did you feel anything for me at all??

I covered what you did like a protective

mommy...hoping her child would improve with time.

How stupid could I be?? Worse...this went on for three

Long years!!

The tears I wasted on you!!

I was a split personality!

You don't tell someone there's no hope and then raise it up,

You fool!

Do all men do this??

You slime! I should call you every name in the book too!!

But I never did because I believed in you.

Call it modesty or virtue? Well now I call it blind.

Years I have spent cutting resentments out like paper dolls

And putting up walls so you would not suffer too.

Now, I've only one more thing to say...

You guess what it is! (Oh here's a hint; it rhymes!)

I'll be nice, and say the first word is "forget."

I think too highly of the woman I am to cuss you out.;

but here's the deal:

That was a rotten thing you did!!

You made me feel like another word I won't use...and

Did not even bat an eye.

Are all guys like this?? I don't know...

But many women say just what I did:

"I thought you were different."

It is now time for me to take the hint!



CES (C) 2014.

Towards You...

Who do I put on pedestals?
Idolize?
Pretend to be protected by?
Which man in my life would win the medal?

Apparently, it's you!
But I had no clue...
Not until an insatiable need to
Go forward, took me back...
back to that kid I was when
All was right with the world...

When I saw you, there were sparks
That first night
Of course! I saw your eyes a piercing
blue from across the room
But then, you quickly turned me off
Did you know that?
We talked, and I was unenthused

But something held on


You were straight as an arrow
I could tell right away
BORRR-ING! I thought
But you were kind to me
That is all I knew...
And it melted my heart
How did I know that started?
I didn't.

Who do I put on pedestals?
Idolize?
Pretend to be protected by?

The Sam Elliot type.

Rugged. Dark. Rough around the edges
Under shadow of his cowboy hat.
Black hair and mustache with distinguishing
Grey Brass belt buckle
Pointed toed boots
Rides Harley's and horses too
Jack Daniels or Bud? Take your pick
Always drives a truck
Pack of Camels in his pocket

Choose "Main Street" by Bob Sieger,
Or "Desperado" by the Eagles
Two songs quite different, but you've got
The mood
Classic rock...and country
Western vests and shirts
Camping gear, fishing gear
A wicked sense of humor and the curse
Words to boot

Okay, I have just described my dad
My hero from back when all was right
with the world

So here you were... the opposite of all that.
Opposites attract, I suppose
Something was stirred inside, but I really didn't know
To speak plainly, you were not my type
But curiously, a certain "hype" (if you will)
began to fluff up
In my mind
It was the kind of talk that shuns the impossible, and
says "This COULD work!"
WHY???

I was turned off by you, I told you...save those blue eyes
that could see right through me without even trying.
How do you do that? You're so gentle, you wouldn't hurt a fly!
BORR-ING!

But something held on...
You were kind to me
That's all I knew
A soft-spoken gentleman I was unaccustomed
To and this substance was foreign
Maybe I knew I wanted more because the "fluff"
Continued in my head
Shunning the impossible and thinking: "This could work!"
Why??

I was turned off by you, I told you!
Besides, why had you taken an interest in me?
I talk too much and can be cynical

Apparently, you had not! (We were just talking).
But the "hype" in my head disagreed.

So later, I learned, you didn't want me!
Why??
How can this be?? I can reject you, but you CAN'T
Reject me!
Besides, you're so gentle you wouldn't hurt a fly!
How could you do that??
Suddenly, the thought that you had turned me off meant nothing!
You were kind to me, that is all I knew, and it melted my heart
Besides, sometimes the heroes we put on pedestals fall off!
I am cynical and I talk too much

Your substance was foreign to me
You melted my heart you were kind
That is all I knew
So what had turned me on to you and
Created such a battle?
My hero was rough around the edges with
hedges of protection around him

His gentleness somewhere...but hidden...
Under the whiskey maybe?
How did I know?
I just felt I could not let you go!
Your disinterest?
A minor detail!
However foolish that makes me...
There ya go!

But what had been the difference??
I got that from somewhere, but why did it matter?
Because I knew not, how to categorize you!!
You could see right through me, and didn't even know it
What do I do with that??
My hero was easy in comparison!

We...had NOTHING in common! My cynicism would
Ruin your quiet strength, I was convinced!!
Besides, you didn't want me, so it had to be that I was lying
to myself
So I put up fences...that got higher & higher
Only to climb over them and find you again
Get around your obstacles and win!
My HERO had taught me that! So there ya go!
But it could never be

Girls marry their dads' right? Scientific fact!
And you are no Sam Elliot in a cowboy hat! So that's the
end! Forget it!
So a need to move forward, took me back...back to that girl I was
When all was right with the world

Throwback Thursdays and Flashback Fridays were part of my distraction
Another picture from another movie...some character, usually the underdog
of little consequence...who just needed a Superman

Superman? The clean cut, "good guy" who was lovable Clark Kent? Did I mention
Piercing blue eyes??
Okay, that's a movie plot, but one day, the answer stared me square in the face:
All my screen shots were there, and I flipped through them in shock!

Every one had your eyes...a piercing blue, your build, your quietness of
strength...the sweetness of your face...it was YOU!
You were staring at me...several times over... and I thought:
"Oh my God!". I've known you all my life!

These were stars from my past, that I idolized
Their substance I could reach for...but not grasp
It was NOT foreign, but mostly inaccessible to me
But it glimmered if daddy gave me hug or was proud of me
I would taste it on my tongue, with my own tears, because daddy would
Slip into his armor again...to be my hero
Maybe he was just as scared

So, here you are: Everything not right for me, and it could
never work
Really??
I've had one thing in mind: to get away from you, though I
don't want to... because I need to do the right thing
Looks like the joke's on me!
I've been moving toward you my whole life!



--CES (C) 2014.

Overcast

Outside my window, the grass harp plays
A grayish green hangs over everything
I've seen this before; it means rain

The "harp" is the rustling wind in the trees.
Capote said that.
Our cat lies curled up
Asleep

And a nap sounds like a plan and a half!
Afternoon is slipping on her evening gown
My pillow holds my head in it's folds
And the grass harp rocks me to sleep
Does it get any better than that?

--CES (C) 2014.

Lady Liberty

I wonder how you came to stand in New York Harbor...magnificent crown and long, flowing gown

Risen proudly over grey blue sea our banner did wave over purple mountains majesty

A symbol of the home of the brave, land of the free...glowing torch in hand.

Like a copper kettle you glistened and shimmered, so the world would remember:

Our freedom was won, as was shone in this gift of massive proportion.



A symbol of the power to vote and elect, but like a penny on a dusty shelf,

it's edges green with age, so the passing of time has dulled your shine...

not through wrinkle of skin or blemish of face, but through chipping away by wind

and weather that which made you a divine, gold giant.

you've watched over your people with a wisdom in your gaze--

Proud, strong...defiant.

And now, the color of toothpaste, your gaze proves true for the thousands

come to see you each year.

Gallantly, you stand as they stare.

They rise to your crown and swallow all the beauty of New York with pride.

And season to season, age to age, your purpose does not hide...

We are Americans, bold strong and free...and always will be.

CES (C). 2002

Fear of the Trivial

Out of the corner of my eye, I see you

staring at me.

I know you're not smiling;

You're too angry with me.

I wait for your complaint about

something... anything.

The way I screw on a bottle cap, wipe

the counter, or put my silverware

in the drawer.

I don't know what I've done to you--

I never have.

It's as though you're breathing down my neck

saying "Hurry up, hurry up!"

I've only wanted to move freely

in my own house-

This seems too much to ask.

You speak to me and your tone is sharp;

makes my adrenaline shoot up, like mercury.

Angrily, you walk past me-

You turn your head and cringe.

It's as though I'm some kind of a Leper.

I don't know what I've done to you-

I never have.

I only wanted respect.

This seems too much to ask.

I don't care to be commanded as though

this is the army, and you are my general.

This is our home, but to you, I think it's boot camp.

You say I make you sick.

"When will you learn to get it right," you ask.

I can't even learn from my own mistakes;

you twist them around and say whatever you want.

Here we go again...

Lord help me, I can't win!

Confidence is now fear...

Fear of the trivial:

"Are the towels folded correctly?"

"Have I vacuumed well enough?"

"Are the dishes washed to your satisfaction?"

Heaven forbid I should make you unhappy!

I don't know what I've done to you-

I never have.

CES (C) 1998.

Straight as an Arrow

God's grace holds us up
Good
I feel I will dissolve
When I see your face
Ice becoming water
My own knees fail
But in the same moment
Everything's frozen.
Everything in the greeting cards
Is true:
I can't speak
I can't breathe, and I can't
Look at you

Corny as it is, there ya go!
What must he think of me??
I feel I will dissolve
My knees fail
Your grace holds me up
Good
Your face shoots through
Me like an arrow!
There's nothing I can do
But look away..l

Eyes of clear blue
Like the ocean
To think of them calms my soul
To quote Lizzie:
* "I can't bear to think that
(you) are alive in the world
And thinking ill of me"

I know not why certain ones become
The apple of our eye
When our cup runneth over as it is
But there you are
Never far from the clustered
Honeycomb of my mind
I could never muster the
Courage to tell you
You're straight as an arrow
Upright in heart and mind
I don't believe in fate
There's a plan
I'm looking behind every door
To find you

Eyes of clear blue Like the ocean

In moments of chaos
When things come unraveled
The thought of you
Is welcoming... Wonderful
Even when I think nothing could help
Wow! I'll use the cliche of a jewel
The stars are there under the smog
Shining for you, as well as me
If only we could see them
They ARE there
Somewhere
Just like the thought of you

Eyes of clear blue like the ocean

I wish you would wrap me in a hug
That would never end
Would you walk a mile in my shoes?
Suspended in mid air is the space between
And there I am
Don't lock up who you are because of me
The rays of sun inside can't go out

Eyes of clear blue like the ocean
The thought of them calms my soul.
To quote Lizzie:
* "I can't bear to think that (you)
Are alive in the world
And thinking ill of me"

*Elizabeth Bennet, Jane Austen's "Pride & Prejudice.

CES (C) 2013.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

"Yeah, the commercials have been advertising for weeks:
'The most wonderful time of the year is here.'
Sure... Okay...
My feet are killing me...arms are tired.

It's freezing outside...although, I'm sweating.
I'd take off my coat...and my hat...
But it'd just be one more thing to carry!
This line shows no signs of moving soon.

Great, a headache's coming on.
Haven't had a thing to eat all day...
Have I been here that long??
I hope mom likes her gift.
What the heck do you get for someone
who has everything?
She'll probably just exchange it.
Oh... what is taking so long??

Man, thank God I'm not claustrophobic!
Definitely think this woman behind me should've
gotten a babysitter, though.
I know the traffic's murder out there--
It was when I left!
When I get home, I still gotta wrap!

I know I'll feel better though.
I can take off these boots, put on my sweats.
After I've kicked up my feet, the fun can begin:
I'll pet the cat in my lap
While Clarence says "No man is a failure who has friends."
I just love that movie!
Poor uncle Billy has strings around every finger,
but never knows what they're there for!...

Scissors snip and scrape
Scotch tape snaps piece by piece.
Dark green glowing fir stands proudly in the window.
Paper mâché reindeer sit on my kitchen table,
Ready to be covered in glue...red, gold and green
sequins too.
They're my Christmas craft this year!
Shiny garland entwined with lights adorns our
bookshelf, and beady eyes of Teddy bears in Christmas
scarves and sweaters stare intently at me.
They see each present put under the tree, one by one.

Mugs of mint tea sit next to my stack of sealed
Christmas greetings.
Apple cinnamon potpourri? What a great idea!
I forgot the candy canes for the tea!
(You can never have enough peppermint, I say!)

All these warm comforts have made me aware
of the chill outdoors
What becomes of those who have only the cold
to keep them company at what's supposed to be
the most wonderful time of the year?
I usually don't give a second thought to
the fact that I'm not alone
My mother, brothers and sister are here
My grandmother too...and too many friend's to count.
I take great pride in signing Christmas cards...
Look at the people I know!
And most of them have not heard from me
since this time last year!

But thinking of the chill again, I can't begin
To describe what it would be like out there.
I've not had that experience.
Yet it's tempting to say: "I understand."
What do I know?
I have turkey, dressing, bottles of apple cider
Flannel sheets, a robe and slippers.
What does one say to someone... when a bus stop
bench is their bed?
After all...they say it's the most wonderful time of the year.

My problems for the moment are sore feet and
the screaming kid behind me.
Poor kid. That poor mother! What can she do?
Gee, would it help if I paid for her stuff too?
After all, it IS the most wonderful time of the year!

CES (C) 1996.